Friday, February 9, 2007

My Son The Spaz


Jake is like a high strung puppy sometimes & I'm breaking my motherly balls trying to keep him out of harms way. He's so mobile now & I am so tired. He's also very loud, ornery and assertive. When something doesn't go his way like if I have to grab an tasty clump of turf from his grip, he sure as hell lets you know it! Before I could count on the fact that if I just hid whatever it was behind my back, he'd think it just disappeared and as he was contemplating that, he'd forget what it was he was contemplating. It was great, but now he remembers. If I hide something behind me, he looks at me like he's going to rugby tackle me for a diamond or something.

Diaper changes are a bit of a challenge these days too. Sometimes I wonder why we even still own a diaper table. I still use it, just not very gracefully. A typical change goes something like this: me wrestling him to the floor, straddling & pinning him down with one leg, his legs flailing about, his little hands grabbing his, erhum, you know. You'd think I were trying to brand him or something. This is especially annoying when he's fully unleashed his wrath in his diaper. It's like he thinks there is a prize down there and he can't wait to get his hands on it. Jake's poop schedule is quickly out pacing my efforts to keep him clean & dry. Most parents tell me their little ones poop only once a day. How wonderful for them and there nice smelling, constipated little babies. Maybe I should post a sign over Chudley's diaper table that says "Only 2 Poops Per Diem".

I wish sometimes I could feed off his energy. Bottle it up and guzzle it when I need a boost. He's definitely excited about his new place in place in this world. As a vertical being I mean. Cause he stands. He stands now. He's a standing man. And when he stands up (still holding on), it is as if he had been in a straight jacket his whole life. He springs up with a shriek, and starts bouncing or dancing (we can't decide) with this crazed look of pure bliss on his face. I swear he's a week away from walking. This actuality frightens me so. He's started climbing recently too which is partly why I didn't watch a second of the Super Bowl last week. He had discovered that the people's home we were at had stairs. I thank my lucky stars that we don't have stairs at our house.
Sometimes I feel like I understand the whole harness thing. But then I realize how humiliating that would be. For both of us. So, I've come to a rightful decision that I will never harness my kid because whenever I see one of those families I just cringe. Don't you? Some poor toddler trailing behind on a leash. Tugged every so often to keep up with the pace. It just so humiliating.
Those of you who know me well enough know I speak from experience.
Yes, I was tethered as a young child. Even my husband Jonathan got tethered. Jonathan to a pole in his front yard, and I to a tree wherever there was one available. So, I wasn't actually led around on a leash per say, but non the less, it was still humiliating.

This photo here demonstrates just that. Here I am, harnessed to a tree sometime in mid July wearing December attire, being tormented by bikini clad children with sticks (they have the sticks hidden behind their backs in this photo). Don't let there coy little smiles fool you. They were ravenous spawns of evil as soon as my parents turned around. Pointing and laughing at the girl on a leash. On a rock. It's obvious now that they were just jealous of my snazzy wool pants and turtle neck. And of course my harness. It had a heart on it. Because if you put a heart on anything, like perhaps, oh I don't know, say a muzzle, WAHLA, that muzzle suddenly seems a whole lot more acceptable and cuddly doesn't it.
To this day I go into a fits of simultaneous weeping & laughing at the sight of this photo. ah memories (humming the theme from "The Way We Were"). Thanks mom.

2 comments:

cat, kitty, kitters said...

seriously, that photo is the funniest goddamned thing i've ever seen. you're so brave to share it.

Sarah said...

yes, diaper changes are similar at our house. a wrestling match and a battle of wills. Cap was changing her last night and I overheard him say, "Daddy's are stronger then babies and sometimes they have to be." And it's true. You have to pin these little tikes down to get the diaper on.