Sunday, May 13, 2007

Monkey On My Back

Yep, I lied. Did you really believe me when I said from my golden perch of moral superiority that I'd never succumb to the harness? I'm not talking kinky stuff here. I'm referring to that cruel and barbaric practice of putting leashes on kids. Something I so clearly refuted only about 2 months ago. How could someone do that. I just didn't understand. That is until Jake started darting around. Jake's like a puppy on steroids. And speed. Turn your back for a second...and he's gone! He doesn't stop moving. It seriously pained me to do it. But after chasing Jake around the last few months and narrowly avoiding death a few times, I went and purchased said harness the other day at Target. This might also not only save lives, but my sanity, which after all is a fragile state of mind. Even if at the cost of "THE LOOK". At least it attempts to look like a cute monkey backpack. But I guess that's the same thing as putting lipstick on a pig. It's still a leash.

So you might now ask, "well where does it end? Electronic collars? Muzzles? Choke chains?". All I can say is that we live in a dangerous world my friends. Kids run into traffic, fall down wells or, er, stairs. erhum. It's just that I'm breaking my motherly balls trying to keep him from falling down wells. There are wells all around you know! I know I did the right thing and will use it in places like airports and crowds, etc. We aren't assholes who are going to tie him up so we can ignore him & go take a nap. This is purely for his safety.

So, being Mother's Day and all, we took the harness for a test drive an headed to Dockweiler Beach (a notoriously deserted beach in case we might risk the chastisement of other morally superior people) & tied our one year old Tasmanian devil to the umbrella and let him thrash gleefully about in his 5 foot radius of, um, freedom. We did not nap I promise. At times he accepted it like anyone would accept a leash. Like for example when he got to the end and was snapped back on his butt, he'd let out a loud, resentful whimper punctuating what complete jerk parents we are. But sitting there in our comfy chairs eating lunch (again, not napping or ignoring) while he played, and at the same time successfully keeping him from the slurry of nasty fly infested seaweed, condom wrappers and seagull feathers just out of his reach, we got over it rather quickly. My honest impression was that he was pretty okay with the harness. I'm still on the fence. I'm thinking for now it's a great means of safety in those rare occasions where it's absolutely needed. Please don't send me hate mail.


jamie said...

Ah well... it's only the first of many things Jake will resent you for, then inflict on his own children as well, realizing that maybe, just maybe, you were onto something. :)

Grandma B said...

Ah well - so I wasn't such a bad mother after all!!!
Funny thing is we were talking about harnesses at a party on Sunday luunchtime with a friend and her daughter who has just become a mum. She was adamant that she would use one when the time comes and I said that my daughter-in-law would NEVER have one. Then guess what when I looked at the blog!!!

Sister Kat said...

Ha ha haha ha ha ha ha haha ha ha!
You can never forget the saying "never say never". When you say never you inevitably do that very thing you swore never to do.

Sarah said...

since i don't see any swarm of locusts it must be okay, right?